Dear Dr. Anderson,
Yes, I am finally listening to your advice and taking a yoga class, so I can be less stressed and anxious, and become calmer and more relaxed in this pandemic.
Therefore, I will no longer need your very expensive twice a week therapy sessions. I have a new friend, Adrienne, who has a cute dog, Benji, who is helping me with my new yoga life and I’m very happy and relaxed. So there!!!
Your former client,
Kathy (and Bob, too)
Is there anything that I can do for my anxiety?
Take a yoga class!
I’m recovering from getting hit by an SUV, what can I do after physical therapy?
My career in fine arts and special events is vanished due to the Corona virus, what should I do?
I’m lonely, depressed and unemployed, what should I do?
Breathe and take a yoga class!
I have no choice. Due to pressure from my therapist, social media, Facebook friends, and my peers; I have learned I must take yoga classes to become a restful peaceful person, especially during this pandemic. Since over 55 million people will be practicing yoga this year in the USA, I must now become one of them. Due to personal budgetary restraints, and the fact that the governor closed down my gym, twice, I decided to follow the popular YouTube channel, Yoga with Adrienne. Adrienne has great body, keen sense of humor, and a cute dog named Benji. She has an online community of over seven million viewers and offers “high quality practices on yoga and mindfulness for FREE to inspire people of all ages, shapes and sizes.” I have now taken her classes for 57 days. I thought I would become a restful, peaceful, in-shape person, while wearing my cool new yoga gear.
OMG! I am so right!
The other day, while channel surfing, I accidently started watching the Kardashians. I discovered that they too, are all obsessed with wearing yoga pants, and are always tweeting and snapchatting selfies while wearing them. Of course, their yoga pants are worn not only to accentuate their curves, but I want to believe, they may also work out in them just like Adrienne. Since they wear yoga pants and look fabulous all the time, I decided I needed to order my own yoga outfits from yogaoutlet.com. I don’t have Kardashian money, so I couldn’t order from their expensive website. Today, I own flesh colored, purple, and gray “live in gratitude” tank tops, a pair of sky blue “awakened yoga leggings”, a couple of “spiritual gangster” tie dyed crop tanks, and two pairs of cool Lululemon invigorate high-rise diamond dye yoga pants for $138.00 each. I got all of this for about a total of $899.00 with coordinating face masks and free shipping, not including tax, and put this on my Costco credit card.
While shopping at Costco, Bashes, Walmart, PetSmart, and Michael’s in my yoga pants, I realized that no matter your size or shape, they will go on easy and wear all day without getting stretched out. Also, everyone seems to assume I’m in better shape because I’m wearing athletic gear. This means I can eat as much as I want and never have to worry about zipping up my jeans. In fact, I found that yoga pants are so popular that they have led to a decrease in the sales of jeans in America. Therefore, I have decided to give up jeans completely and wear my yoga pants while working out, shopping for groceries and pet food, or simply sitting on the couch, while I watch cute kitty videos and play games on my cellphone. Moreover, I can feel good about my decisions because, I found that the athletic apparel brand Lululemon, best known for producing fashionable women’s yoga pants has a net worth as of July 10, 2020 of $40.94 billion dollars and they are committed to Black Lives Matter; providing a portion of their proceeds to support inclusion, diversity, equity and action. Additionally, the average person practicing yoga in the US spends $62,640 during their lifetime on classes, workshops, and accessories.  Now, I can say I am finally part of this cool crowd.
So far, I’ve taken socially distanced “Beer Yoga” at a Fate Brewery (Wow! Heterosexual guys!); “Museum Yoga” at the Heard (and became a museum member!); “Moonlight Yoga“ at Southwest Wildlife (Saw some cute bears and bobcats!); “Desert Yoga” in the McDowell Sonoran Preserve (Lots of rocks and cacti!); and Kitten/Puppy/Goat Yoga classes benefiting animal rescue groups. Yes, the quality of the classes can vary immensely, but I feel really good making the world a better place by supporting a non-profit with other people wearing their yoga pants. Although I must admit some of these classes are a bit too relaxing and am probably not getting a good cardio workout or building muscles. However, if I give in and try a more athletic yoga class that tires my muscles, I might as well go back to running, biking or swimming instead. And what would I do with all my new yoga gear? Running marathons and doing triathlons is really hard work (I’ve done 13 NYC Marathons and 8 triathlons) and I look terrible in photographs when doing these sports. Why would I return to those grueling sports when I can just do yoga?
I love my new yoga pants and my new yoga life. Now, I am one of the many people who are watching on-line yoga on YouTube and Zoom. Sometimes we even participate in the actual class. The results have been astonishing! I have only gained 18 pounds since March! My cat, Bob, has only gained 2 pounds! I have an entirely new tie-dyed lyra yoga wardrobe for under $900.00! Every day I wear one of my four pairs of pastel colored (recycled materials only) flip-flops with small mini Buddhas or flowers printed on them. All-in-all, I have only spent about $500.00 (“paying what feels good”, according to Adrienne) for additional on-line wellness and breathing classes. My social distancing has improved in my yoga pants and my tie-dyed face mask. Above all, I’m relaxed and comfortable knowing that I’ve contributed to world peace at home on my couch with my cat, eating organic potato chips, watching YouTube with Adrienne with her cute dog, Benji. Together, we all follow along, breathing as she lets “a little love in and a little love out”.